NVC is about revealing and participating in a quality of connection (that already exists) in which everyone's needs matter, and those needs are met through natural giving.

Nonviolent Communication is a mental, emotional, and spiritual consciousness that when brought to life transforms how we think, speak, listen, and act in relationship to others and the world.  

It supports our natural compassion and connectedness, by assuring that how we think is in alignment with our hearts and the hearts of others.  

History behind NVC (Nonviolent Communication)

Nonviolent Communication (abbreviated “NVC,” also called Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communication) is an approach to nonviolent living developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s.

Nonviolent Communication training evolved from his search for a way to rapidly disseminate peacemaking skills. NVC emerged from work he was doing with civil rights activists in the early 1960s, and that during this period he also mediated between rioting students and college administrators, and worked to peacefully desegregate public schools in long-segregated regions.

Since then, NVC has grown and spread across the globe as a foundational teaching for peacemakers and mediators in every walk of life.

It has been successfully implemented in the harshest of conflict zones including The West Bank, Rwanda, Burundi, Serbia, The Middle East, Ireland, Croatia, Colombia and Sri Lanka in addition to being a foundational process behind the major social reforms of our time including The Civil Rights Movement, The Labor Movement, Women’s Rights Movement, LGBTQ Rights Movement, The Environmental Movement and the list goes on!

NVC continues to be used today as a means to bring about radical social change on the individual level, between others, and within groups and social systems.

Overview

Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or  manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc.

These "violent" modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.

NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.

NVC theory supposes that all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs, and that these needs are never in conflict; rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash.

NVC aims to support change on three interconnected levels: within self, between others, and within groups and social systems. NVC is taught as a process of interpersonal communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others.

NVC proposes that people should identify shared needs, which are revealed by the thoughts and feelings surrounding these needs, and then they should collaborate to develop strategies and make requests of each other to meet each other's needs.

The goal is interpersonal harmony and learning for future cooperation.

Practitioners also emphasize that it can have many beneficial "side effects" as a spiritual practice, as a set of values, as parenting best practices, as a tool for social change, as a mediation tool, as an educational orientation, and as a worldview.

A Working Example of Nonviolent Communication in Everyday Life

Let’s say you have passed a bulldozed lot in our area of Hawaii. Where we might normally say (or think) something like,

“Grrrrrrr, those stupid people! They’re destroying what little Nature we’ve got left. They should go back to wherever they came from and not ruin our island!”

However, if we were to use NVC, we wouldn’t communicate in terms of condemning thoughts and righteous demands. Instead, we’d communicate in the four parts of NVC—observations, feelings, needs and requests, which express what’s actually alive in us. Then the sentence might sound like:

OBSERVATIONS: When I look at that bulldozed lot . . .

FEELINGS: . . . I feel outraged and powerless. . .
NEEDS: . . . because I want protection for the Earth’s ecosystems and for the natural beauty of our island.
REQUEST: Would you be willing to brainstorm with me ways I can change how land is developed here, so it becomes something I can support?

With nonviolent communication, there’s no suppression of feelings and no false niceness. There’s also no blame, shame or judging of others (or ourselves!). All that energy is redirected towards identifying our feelings and needs. Then we ask for something that would actually enrich our lives. What a profound breakthrough. By using this form, we are able to communicate about any topic or feeling in a way that maximizes our chances of getting our needs met. 

But all this is only half of the equation. Perhaps even more unique to NVC is the practice of empathic listening. When listening empathically, we translate whatever is expressed into observations, feelings, needs and requests. Let’s say our partner comes up to me and says, “You’re a lazy, messy bum and I’m sick of putting up with your junk all over the house!!!” Using empathic listening, we can do something besides collapse, defend ourselves or counter attack. In this case, we might pause, reflect and ask:

OBSERVATIONS: When you came home and saw my clothes and towel on the floor . . .
FEELINGS: . . . were you upset . . .
NEEDS: . . . because you’d like to have order in the house?

Notice, we don’t take on the condemnation nor do we condemn back. Instead, we listen for feelings and needs and then make our best guess at what is actually going on with the other person. Empathy!

Hearing this, she might say, “Yeah, but what I’m really aggravated about [feeling] is all the traffic and the fact that I was working all day while you stayed home [observation].”

Then we might say, “Sounds like after being at work and driving home [observation] you’re feeling burned out [feeling] and really want peace and relaxation [need]”

“Yeah. You know, what I’d love is to take the weekend off [request] to chill out and be together [need].”

“Wow, I’m happy [feeling] to hear that [observation], because I’ve been wanting to connect [need]. I was actually bored [feeling] sitting around the house today [observation]. I would have liked some company [need].”

“Cool. And about the house [observation], would you be willing to put your things away after you’re done with them [request]?”

“OK.”

“Thanks.”

This dialogue is an example of how nonviolent communication can take a potential fight and turn it into an intimate connection. By focusing on the feelings and needs of each person, it’s possible for everyone to get their needs met. And it only takes one person speaking this language to make it happen.

Beyond its obvious merit in personal relationships, nonviolent communication has been used successfully in all kinds of settings — including families, schools, businesses and other organizations. This language has been used by mediators to bring peace to war-torn areas, prison yards and volatile conflict-situations all over the world. It seems to work for people of all races, classes, backgrounds and locations.

If you’re interested in exploring NVC, here are a few avenues…

• Read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg, which completely explains this practice, in detail, with many real life examples.

• Read “Say What You Mean” - a mindful approach to NVC. It combines meditation and the art of NVC.

• Attend an Introductory Workshop in Compassionate Communication which focuses on the fundamentals of NVC.

• Schedule a Compassionate Communication coaching session with us at GaiaYoga. We work with individuals, families, schools, businesses, and other organizations. We also offer mediation services for couples and groups. For more information, contact us.

• Join an NVC practice group in your area. If there isn’t one available, read the NVC book and form your own practice group.

• Come to GYG and participate in our immersion.

• Practice, practice, practice!

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